Thoughts

There is no better sight than to watch you from a distance, sitting there amongst your friends, strangers, some like you and some who would never compare to you. I’ve studied you before I had the chance to grasp ahold of you. I anticipated how you’d be wondering what I’m thinking, why I am walking back and forth eyes locked on you. In the back of my mind I must be sure that you are the only edition I want. I replayed this moment over and over, again. Selective of who I let inside, I don’t intend to make you think you are not good enough for my eyes, mind or soul. You know better than that.

Our moment is here.

My confidence is holding me steady yet I feel so frail reaching out to you. Pulling you off your pedestal because I hold no expectations when it comes to you. Holding you close to me was always meant to be. I gain with you, another journey I planned to take. I am shaky. Doing this for the first time with you just feels different. You are not expecting what’s to come, only know it has to happen to be tied to me forever. I’m a pro at this by now, but my fingers are forced to appear as normal as they can while I tame my nerves. I’m honored to form your first crease, as delicate as you are on the outside, the inside of you is prepared for the inevitable. What did I open up too? I can smell every part of you, a scent I will become familiar with but not in any rush for it to leave estranged. I have to take my time with you.

Now that you’ve let me in, I am lost for words, good thing you have many for me when I catch my breath. Although you are quiet just like the rest, you keep me intrigued, keeping me wanting to know everything about you. You’ll always be different from the rest, you tell a different story. So don’t compare or compete, just be here with me, in our moment while it lasts. Your first words were a sight for my eyes, I was not the only one anticipating you, you said and I quote “ Chapter One. “I was waiting for you.””

See I knew it! I chose you

August Thirteenth

It’s something different about this day. I feel uneasy and somehow my emotions are rattled just enough to divert my mind to you. The lid I kept on so tight has loosened and gone into a tail wind of questions I’ll never be able to answer. I hold on to a piece of you because I’m scared to let go. We started in your dreams, you manifested me to be your dream come reality. I held on to that, I believed that, but what should I believe now? There is a wedge between us, a dark tunnel has shadowed our spark, the light we had in our eyes is gone. When your eyes would close I would be your awakening but now I’m gone. How can you see me now? Am I still in your dreams? You said “You call this honesty”, but this dark just scares me. My truth is in my light, push through my fears and claim what should be real . You must feel what I feel, because today feels different.

.. I smile in the light but cry in the dark. Loved how we created a beautiful fire. From a flick of a spark to crazy wild flame. Honesty I swore but now I’m torn apart. Conflicted between you two, conflicted between us two. You left with a huge scar on your heart, mine is still open … at least you found a way to heal. Not once did you lie, but now you have, you stand there accused of the pain you’ve caused, blaming it on the pain I caused. Not hard enough did I try, we both know that but I’ll stand tall with my unhealed wound and remember I was not abused, I was just confused. This day will always be different, but if feeling this connects me to you still after, I’ll love that I love you.

Don’t Spill

who would have thought that so much effort goes unnoticed.

that running a 10 mil race and tripping just moments before the finish line would cost you everything.

a world with so much freedom to express one self can in chance be so stereotypical.

and then we wonder why there is suicide, self pity and insecurities.

it’s not easy to know the flaw and fix it with so few moments left.

it’s overrated to think we are perfect, and underrated to feel we are our mistakes.

a flaw, a mistake, the wrong phrase, a misinterpreted thought, that one thing you didn’t do seems to matter more.

I say I can give you everything you’ll ever need and indeed I can, but if you glorify what I can’t do, there will never be anything I can give you.

we say that we are perfectly imperfect, we love unconditionally.

but that’s a lie..

we love on conditions.

can I pour you a full glass of wine to take some things off of your mind?

wait, let me not even attempt to, I know it won’t be full and that will just disappoint you.

how it so seems, my journey to you, giving you my thoughtfulness, my ears, my love, my patience, my time, my sincerity and care will be shattered the minute you say “this isn’t a full glass”

It can never be full ! I’ll catch myself saying, “I’m sorry, on my way I spilled it on the floor”

Instead, knowing that mistakes and mishaps are bound to happen, be grateful and feel what that person does for you.

Invert that and send love for those who deserve it.

Too pure to focus on the negative.

I’d like to be a perfectionist, and it saddens me to know I’d never be, we need that someone who can grab you by the hand and say, “it’s okay, I’ll help you clean”.

But for now, don’t ask why we have insecurities, lack self motivation, have anxiety or choose to shut out …

Especially if you are mad that I spilled the wine.

Queendom

I hold you high on a pedestal that reaches mountains that we wish we can climb

I’d be a fool to say that I can see the top from standing next to you

I never expect you to be no other than authentic

You just should.

Just how those mountains pierce faint clouds just enough to see a beyond

It just does.

I expect to never expect , expectations are our loves distraction.

I’m worried about the climb, I’m not suited to carry us.

I’ll climb up on your pedestal maybe my view of you would be much better.

Take time to catch up to me.

I can’t just be a fool standing next to you.

I’d rather reach for that mountain

Compassion

As many times as you say “I’m okay” , “I feel fine” , “What could be wrong?”.

Laugh it off like I don’t know pain when I feel it. Avoid eye contact because you know I see it.

When I embrace you with my words and give you what you’ve been silently screaming for

A swift sense of relief winds through you as you hear my voice.

When I say to you “it’s okay now”. . You move more graciously.

But for a quick second of your time, what you thought was a check up, humbles you.

The weight of what you’re carrying slowly trickles off of you without consciousness.

Don’t tighten up because you aren’t ready to feel.

What could be wrong” , more than words can speak, but your actions all to show.

Just look up instead of away and feel that you are fine.

Validation

I needed you to tell me I was beautiful! I needed you to smile at my silliness.

I needed you to embrace me with warm hugs and kisses. I needed you to listen to me.

I needed your love. I needed your patience. I needed your guidance.

I needed you to help me feel grounded.

I needed you to accept my flaws. I needed your help to grow.

I was lost before you

I thought you were my safe zone. I thought You filled a void. I thought being with you was showing the real me.

I thought I needed you for so much.

Did I need validation?

Yes, but I’m still lost even after you.

So I didn’t need you. I wanted you.

Smokescreen

Smokescreen to block what I need to not see. I inhale and hope my vision becomes a blur. I am blessed with sight but I want it no more. When I exhale I expect to feel relief. But I don’t, my smoke is very faint.

UGH !

I must continue my process until it’s thick enough to cover entirely. I want to feel the strain of my eyes looking for a view that is not there.

Smokescreen that is thick enough to appear clear. When I am no longer visible to what’s coming my way, only then will I be able to think as clear as I can see.

Clear space, Empty mind.