Validation

I needed you to tell me I was beautiful! I needed you to smile at my silliness.

I needed you to embrace me with warm hugs and kisses. I needed you to listen to me.

I needed your love. I needed your patience. I needed your guidance.

I needed you to help me feel grounded.

I needed you to accept my flaws. I needed your help to grow.

I was lost before you

I thought you were my safe zone. I thought You filled a void. I thought being with you was showing the real me.

I thought I needed you for so much.

Did I need validation?

Yes, but I’m still lost even after you.

So I didn’t need you. I wanted you.

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Smokescreen

Smokescreen to block what I need to not see. I inhale and hope my vision becomes a blur. I am blessed with sight but I want it no more. When I exhale I expect to feel relief. But I don’t, my smoke is very faint.

UGH !

I must continue my process until it’s thick enough to cover entirely. I want to feel the strain of my eyes looking for a view that is not there.

Smokescreen that is thick enough to appear clear. When I am no longer visible to what’s coming my way, only then will I be able to think as clear as I can see.

Clear space, Empty mind.

Admission

I had the most vivid thought today, Why’s and How’s I can not comprehend.

How do I expect myself to remember what I chose to forget?

How do I expect to forgive if I never understood “Why”?

How do I stop hurting when I’m not “Really” injured?

How do I keep my head up when it’s easier just to stay down?

I want to break loose of this hold.

I felt stuck in my tracks, shackled to the ground, claustrophobic in my mind with constant pulling, not knowing where to look or focus.

I have to search for my need to release my own new creation of this self-destruction

So many questions, that’s nothing new by now but at least now I’m passed the first step.

I need more

As bad as I want you. As open as you’ve gotten me. I still need more.

More memories, love, happiness and trust. Only loyalty, motivation and admiration from you. We’ll have sadness, grief and disappointment but that’s bound to happen. I’ll still stay.Life takes us on a hell of a journey. Through twists and turns, you’ll have plenty of dirt roads to travel, sleek hills to climb and rainy days to sulk. But never resentment or regret with me. I’m built from the roots and grown into beauty, harvested and hand crafted with my thorns to give and take only struggle not pain. I am deep rooted with love. Just treat me like “your” rose, fill me with all I need, take good care of me. Your words are your actions before you act. As good as you are, As open as you had me. It will be no more, I just need more.

BitterSweet

I whisper “Bittersweet” as I escape to a dream. Once I drift, I start to see. I know what I am doing, I foresee the inevitable. In here I can switch the scene and control the ending.
Is it two of me? It has to be.

When I am conscious and when I am insensible. There are road ways I am unfamiliar with but yet I’ve been here. Time to divert. I pull in all directions, determined and true to the path ahead, steady as I tread through the sand. I need to backtrack to slow down this dream. This glass is half empty barely covering the surface, a low tide with fresh footprints still in the sand. Then I glance once more, glass half full never running over, the waves crashing through at high speed but never reaching me. This dream is unclear and complex, I am fulfilled but never fully?

Just wake up. I wish for bittersweet, A dream. Instead it’s sweet then bitter, Reality.

Interrupt this dream so I can stop wishing. Give me all the bad followed with your endless love, care and admiration. I’d love it and so will she. What’s needed for you, designed for you is disguised to you.Thinking it’ll somehow be masked , when in realization… It never was sweet, that’s a dream.


Competitor, Me

Sometimes, well actually most times I don’t know what I know. I’m always confused on the simplest things, so I thought. Is it confusion or ignorance?

Of course I wish I knew it all, but who doesn’t? It’s my gut, my third eye, that seventh sense that seems to have a perfect hold on me, to reign over my mind to feel uneasy, lack confidence, be petrified and cautious of my own thoughts.

But a part of me thinks that knowing it will hurt me. That part knows that finding it will hurt me.

Will the truth and knowledge set me free to know what I know or detain me to think I don’t know what I know?  I have every answer to the mere existence of all my questions.

But do I listen? Great guess.. Hell no! It’s my game though, intimidation tactics at its finest. Back down, I can have the cheat code, I can advance to the highest level, but what stops me?

To be frank, I doubt I’ll ever win. “A mind is a terrible thing to waste…” it’s infinite abilities out way me, 1,000,000,000 : 1. I can’t beat me so why do I try? My biggest competitor.

It’ll forever be that this one-on one won’t stop, as long as I am you. So I’ll choose to be unconscious to my mind, just so this game may rest.

Challenge of Mine

This misunderstood familiar aroma, with this void, emptiness, confusion, better yet
this lonely self embodiment that’s comfortably discomforting;
Is it meant to be captured or released? A long hall of nothing that I see but only feel.
“They” say, I’m here to listen.“They” say, it’s just a temporary state.
THAT, I do agree!
A temporary state in which I can be released?
I’m stuck, but I’m choosing to let go. How is it possible to be weighed down by feathers?
This isn’t to be misinterpreted but yet it will. This isn’t to be judged but why play like we won’t?
“I” say I want to talk not for you to listen.“I” say when this will cease; To see that hall be visible once again.
This is too be in tune with one self. Vent and speak to you, who is me.
Right now I’m in this Writers‘block, because I choose too be, with the most hidden pleasurable feeling of seeing how far my self growth, worth and love take me.
“80% of the time you’ll have writers’block”, but that 20% out-ways within, whether pessimistic or not.
As closed off as this may feel, it’s as free as I can be.
A fight with reality while in reality, what a reality?
Daring to know what I know and all that I know
I’m giving me that chance, so how about we try.